Irony, Insanity, and other Functions of the I…

Hello World.

What am I, some kind of programming script? Hello world somehow seems somehow inappropriate. Let’s attempt something a little less formal, shall we?

Yo, dog!

No, no, no. Now that’s too far in the opposite direction. There’s colloquial and then there’s… Well, this ain’t the Jersey shore. Try again?


Too tentative, too passive, I need to present myself in a slightly more excited, active voice, don’t I? What would grab your attention?



Yes, that’s it. Hey. Not just for horses, it seems just enough to catch a passing glance. Open ended. Informal. Intimate. Detatched. Quietly cool. Perfecto. Or eureka (that means, I have found it, fyi). So, if you’re jaywalking across the interwebs and you happen to fall in my little manhole and stumble across me in the information tubes, twitching wildly from over-caffeination, and gently stroking the head of a dead Moose, saying “Well Patrushkin, this is a fine mess we’ve gotten ourselves into isn’t it?” (yes, I will get to that eventually), I will probably say just that.


So Hey.

I might glance up and add, some sort of mundane question, something like “What did you do over the weekend?”

Maybe you’ll be so terrified by my deranged appearance that you’ll humor me with a response. Maybe you’ll say you ate pizza. Maybe you got real adventurous and had it with anchovies, or “extra mushrooms” and had a REAL adventure. Surrree, sure they’re portabellos. Maybe you went to a movie. Maybe I did too. Maybe¬† we saw the same thing. Maybe I saw it differently. I don’t know. I was probably the one in the back row that got kicked out for yelling at the actors, something like this:

“Don’t open the door! Don’t do… aawww really? Okay don’t go in the room! Seriously, you do not want to go in…” and then gradually trailing off,

“there’s an… right behind you… axe…murd-” (INSERT SCREAM AND GORY NOISES) “aww never mind.”

Or, I may have been tossed out for hissing and throwing popcorn at the villain. (Sorry for those in front. But Ma’m, if you didn’t wear such a wide brimmed hat, it wouldn’t offer such a big target for my buttery popcorn to stick to. And anyway, I would have thought the grease would have made it slide right off. Hmm, friction you say? Physics is neat. I bet we both learned something today, didn’t we? Science rules.).

When I go to theaters I like to sit in the top left corner, or what I call the cranky old muppet seats. Where the two old hecklers always sit and well, heckle. I like to sit there to well, heckle. But this is an unfortunate wandering from my point. Ironic? No. Insane? Maybe just a leetle bit.

What did I do this weekend?

Well, I created, stole a grizzlies lunch, learned some things, smoked some moose meat, spun around the deserted streets of downtown Vancouver at 1:30 in the morning singing 40’s jazz, hung out with my best friend, and basically, lived. No, I didn’t see a movie. I did buy a cop a cup of joe (but not my buddy Joe, that would just be weird. How would that even… no, any way I can consider it, it would be awkward). No, I didn’t play Call of Duty for 16 hours straight (though I did play for about fifteen minutes and probably unlocked an achievement for most-times-blowing-self-up-with-grenades-without-actually-harming-unfriendly-units). I volunteered, I made some money doing random stuff. You know, just a typical day. So basically, I lived.

What did you do?

I think most people don’t get how to live. (Spoiler alert, OPINION AHEAD): Am I narcissistic enough to think I’m somehow more highly evolved, some sort of homo-superior? No. Okay, well maybe a little bit, but usually only in a crowded party after a few drinks, and then I’m awesome. Captain Awesome. Complete with toilet paper cape draped around my neck and empty beer cups on my head.

Here’s a little of what’s been rattling around in my noggin’. Maybe I’m just so ADD that I have to live like this, but I figure, as far as I know, you get one spin around on this rock. At least one that you remember. If re-incarnation is a thing, then probably 99% of people don’t remember any past lives, so this one’s gotta count. Okay, that’s all I really wanted to establish to qualify my following statements. So this life matters, basically, as far as I’m concerned. It counts. Not a trial run. You gotta fly this baby the first time out of the hanger. And chances are, the instruction manual only came in Portuguese.

So, if this life matters, and is about creating some kind of impact, some kind of statement, why do I look around me and find myself surrounded with drones? I don’t want to be a drone. I want to climb buildings with suction cups attached to my feet and hands, just to see if it works like in cartoons. Okay, maybe that sounds a little bit crazy, but the point is, I want to proclaim my sentience from the rooftops. I’m capable of rationalization, of coming to my own conclusions, I have a pretty cool computer in my skull. It’s pretty open source. Mac, PC, and Linux compatible. And it’s very good at selectively storing information. Especially when I’m supposed to recall something unpleasant like err blood tests, or a doctor’s appointment. I don’t have a recycle bin, I have an information incinerator.

“I am a human being. I am the human BEING!” Maybe I’m just insane. Maybe I’ve had one too many cups of guava green tea. Maybe it’s lack of sleep.

But I don’t think so.I can’t just sit tight waiting for someone else to live, to change the world. To write the things I want to say, to stand up and take notice of their existence. I want to go out and live. And laugh. And make other people laugh and live. And actually think outside the little boxes most of us hoomans put ourselves into. So I’m going to do it, if that’s okay. (Actually, I’m just being polite. I don’t really need your permission, just between us, I’m going to do it anyway.)

So Hey.

Are there any other sentient beings out there being?

I’m here. Waiting.



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